ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
Emcee: PRESENTING TONIGHT'S ATLAS AWARDS,
ADAM LYONS.
[ Applause ]
[ ?????? ]
THANK YOU.
AT KENNEDY AND COLLINS WHERE I WORK IN NEW YORK,
WE HAVE THIS SAYING:
"THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN GREAT SEX
IS A GREAT AD CAMPAIGN."
SO WHEN I WAS ASKED TO COME TO PITTSBURGH
TO HELP CHOOSE THE ADPERSON OF THE YEAR,
WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WAS SOMEONE WHO COULD GIVE GREAT AD.
SOMEONE WHOSE WORK WOULD MAKE ME STAND UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
WELL, AFTER REVIEWING THIS YEAR'S ENTRIES,
I BELIEVE WE FOUND HIM.
THIS YEAR'S ATLAS AWARD
FOR PITTSBURGH'S ADPERSON OF THE YEAR GOES TO...
[ Opening of envelope ]
BRIAN KINNEY.
Cynthia: YES!
GO AND GET HIM, TIGER.
THE AWARD, I MEAN.
[ Applause ]
[ ?????? ]
?? AND I WANT TO GO TO NEW YORK CITY ??
?? 'CAUSE THEY TELL ME IT'S THE PLACE TO BE... ??
Woman: YEAH!
CARE TO TEST THAT SAYING?
?? ...I JUST KNOW THAT IT'S THE PLACE FOR ME ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasps of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
I WAS STANDING THERE WITH MY DICK OUT,
WHEN THIS GUY AT THE URINAL NEXT TO ME STARTED CRUISING ME.
DID YOU CRUISE HIM BACK?
NO. SO YOU DID NOTHING
TO MAKE HIM THINK YOU WERE LOOKING FOR SEX?
I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A PISS.
SAME THING HAPPENED TO THIS GUY FROM MY GYM.
HE WAS OUT WALKING HIS DOG, STARTS TALKING TO SOME GUY,
WHO INVITES HIM BACK TO HIS PLACE.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S BUSTED.
THEY CAN REALLY DO THAT? AH,
THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT.
Justin: FUCK THAT.
BETTER FIGHT IT. Debbie. HEY!
YOU DON'T PUT ANY IDEAS IN HIS HEAD.
YOU WANTED ME TO FIGHT FOR THE GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE AT SCHOOL.
THIS IS DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE 18 AND YOU'RE HEALTHY.
WHAT ARE OUR OTHER OPTIONS?
TO PLEAD GUILTY.
WOULD HE HAVE TO GO TO JAIL?
NO, NOT FOR A FIRST OFFENSE.
I MEAN, YOU'D PAY A FINE.
I'LL TAKE IT.
PAY THE $2.00 AND BE DONE WITH IT.
AND IT WILL BE ON YOUR RECORD. PERMANENTLY.
WHAT, YOU MEAN AS A SEX OFFENDER?
OH, WILL THEY MAKE HIM REGISTER WITH THE POLICE AND EVERYTHING?
YEAH, THEY WILL.
JESUS.
Vic: WELL...
THERE GOES MY SHOT AT THE SUPREME COURT.
YOU COULD PLEAD NOT GUILTY.
ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU...
Melanie: WELL, THAT WOULD INVOLVE GOING TO TRIAL.
YOU'D HAVE TO GET UP IN FRONT OF A JURY,
AND SOME YOUNG, AGGRESSIVE, PROSECUTOR
FROM THE D.A.'S OFFICE WOULD CROSS-EXAMINE YOU,
THE COP WHO ARRESTED YOU WOULD BE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW...
I CAN'T DO THAT.
HE CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE STRESS.
SO YOU HAVE A MISDEMEANOR ON YOUR RECORD.
WHO'S GOING TO KNOW?
HE WILL.
SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN PITTSBURGH?
WHAT? YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR PITTSBURGH.
YOU SHOULD BE IN NEW YORK.
YEAH, BUT FOR WHAT I PAY HERE,
I HAVE A LOFT THE SIZE OF A CITY BLOCK.
AND THERE, I'D HAVE A CLOSET IN QUEENS.
WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE SALARIES THEY'RE PAYING IN THE CITY THESE DAYS.
I'M 27.
I JUST BOUGHT AN AMAZING DUPLEX, IN SOHO.
WOW, SO... WE'RE THE SAME AGE.
YOU KNOW, IN FACT, THAT THERE'S AN OPENING AT MY AGENCY.
AT YOUR LEVEL.
AND YOU'VE CLEARLY GOT EXPERIENCE
ANDYOU'RE AN AWARD WINNER.
HMM.
I'D BE HAPPY TO PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D BE... HAPPY TO DO?
[ Opening of zipper ]
WHAT'RE YOU DOING SITTING IN THE DARK?
THINKING.
HOW'S VIC?
OKAY, CONSIDERING HE JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL.
I GOT A CALL FROM LORI.
OH YEAH?
SHE AND GARY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
THAT'S TOO BAD. YOU KNOW, THESE STRAIGHT COUPLES
CANNOT MAKE THEIR MARRIAGES WORK.
HANK'S PRETTY UPSET.
WELL, YEAH, I GUESS HE MUST BE.
SHE SAID HE'S NOT SPEAKING TO HER,
HE'S DITCHING CLASS, HIS GRADES STINK,
HE'S EVEN QUIT THE HOCKEY TEAM.
HE'S NOT DOING DRUGS, IS HE?
NO, SHE DOESN'T THINK SO. HE'S JUST FUCKING ANGRY.
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME.
DID HE SAY THAT?
NO, I DID.
THIS'LL MAKE THE SECOND DAD THAT HE'S LOST.
SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN?
THE PLAN? WELL...
A REAL TRIP WOULD ACCOMPLISH A LOT MORE THAN A GUILT TRIP.
SHOULD I MAKE A RESERVATION?
I ALREADY DID.
THERE'S A RED-EYE OUT OF CHICAGO WITH A CONNECTION
THAT'LL PUT ME IN PORTLAND FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I FIGURE THE SOONER I GET THERE...
WELL, WHO SAYS YOU'RE NOT A GREAT DAD?
DROPPING EVERY- THING AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE
TO FLY ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO BE WITH YOUR KID?
SO, WHEN'LL YOU BE BACK?
SOON AS I CAN.
THIS'LL BE THE FIRST TIME WE'VE BEEN APART.
YEAH.
IT'S GONNA BE WEIRD, YOU NOT BEING HERE.
PROMISE ME YOU'LL MISS ME?
[ Chuckling ]
A LOT.
AH, IF YOU SEE ANYTHING IN THERE FOR AN ACCOUNTANT
THAT INCLUDES WORLD TRAVEL AND AN UNLIMITED EXPENSE ACCOUNT,
LET ME KNOW. FIRST I HAVE TO FIND A JOB FOR MYSELF.
ANY POSSI- BILITIES?
SURE, BUT THEY ALL WANT TRAINING,
EXPERIENCE, REFERENCES.
WHO'S GOING TO HIRE A CRYSTAL FREAK?
FORMER CRYSTAL FREAK.
[ Scoffing ] GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE CREDIT
FOR ALL THE POSITIVE STEPS YOU'VE BEEN TAKING. OKAY?
THANKS TO YOU.
HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS.
[ Gagging/scoffing ]
THERE'S THE GUYS, COME ON.
TED SCHMIDT,
HAPPY AT LAST.
IT'S FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE.
UH, YEAH, WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED?
YEAH. COULD YOU JUST KEEP THE PASSION TO A MINIMUM?
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND OUT OF TOWN AND NO MEANS FOR RELEASE.
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE NEW WAITER?
YOWZA!
YOU CALL THAT HOT?
YEAH.
AT YOUR AGE, I GUESS YOU WOULD.
OH, AT YOUR AGE YOU WOULDN'T?
I'VE MOVED BEYOND THAT.
[ Scoffing ] SINCE WHEN?
SINCE LAST NIGHT.
I DID THE HOTTEST GUY...
[ Snorting ] IN DAYS.
Brian: HE'S AN AD EXEC FROM NEW YORK.
HE SAID I'M TOO GOOD FOR PITTSBURGH AND THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME HERE.
HE THINKS I SHOULD BE THERE.
I BET HE SAYS THAT TO ALL THE BOYS.
HE SAID... THERE'S A JOB AT HIS AGENCY
THAT I'D BE PERFECT FOR.
I FAXED HIM MY RESUME.
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
YOU DON'T THINK SO?
SO IF YOU GET THIS JOB, YOU'RE LEAVING?
NOT "IF", "WHEN".
DO YOU THINK HE REALLY MEANT IT?
HE'S REALLY GOING TO GO?
WELL... OF COURSE NOT.
HE'S PROBABLY JUST BOASTING 'CAUSE SOME...
BIG SHOT FROM NEW YORK IS COMPLIMENTING HIM.
AND THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF BROADWAY BECKON.
I DON'T KNOW, HE SOUNDED PRETTY SERIOUS.
HE EVEN SENT HIM HIS RESUME.
YOU KNOW WHERE THAT'S GOING TO END UP, DON'T YOU?
ON THE BOTTOM OF SOME PILE. MINE ALWAYS DO.
YEAH, PROBABLY A THOUSAND OTHER GUYS
CLAMOURING FOR THE VERY SAME JOB. NO, TRUST ME,
HE'S NEVER GOING TO HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN.
[ Ringing of cell phone ] OH, SHOOT, THERE'S A CALL. ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER. OKAY. BYE.
YEAH?
YOU CALLED?
YEAH, THANKS FOR RETURNING.
Ted: [ On telephone ] Listen, Blake is looking
FOR A JOB AND HE'S INTERESTED IN BECOMING A PARALEGAL.
AND I THOUGHT POSSIBLY YOU MIGHT HAVE AN OPENING AT YOUR FIRM?
GOD, YOU ARE SO IN LUCK.
ONE OF OUR ASSISTANTS JUST QUIT THIS MORNING.
HE COULD START RIGHT AWAY.
REALLY?
OF COURSE NOT. [ Chuckling ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK? JOBS ARE JUST FALLING OFF TREES?
ALL RIGHT, NO NEED TO GET CUNTY. JUST THOUGHT I'D ASK.
ALTHOUGH... HE IS A NICE GUY AND HE DID HELP VIC OUT.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD TAKE HIM ON AS A TEMP FOR A COUPLE WEEKS,
SEE HOW HE DOES AND FIND HIM A REFERRAL.
THAT'D BE GREAT.
AND, UH, MEL? YOU'RE NOT REALLY, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW, YOU ARE.
[ Sighing ]
Boys: [ Chatter of game ]
[ Opening of door ]
FOR YOU.
A PECAN PIE?
WELL, WHENEVER MY MOTHER PAID A VISIT
SHE ALWAYS BROUGHT ALONG A PECAN PIE.
OF COURSE, THIS ONE'S FROM THE SUPERMARKET.
SHE BAKED HER OWN.
HER PIES WERE SO...
AWFUL... YOU KNOW.
NO ONE REALLY NOTICED THOUGH,
'CAUSE SHE WAS SUCH A CHATTERBOX.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE CALLED HER, "CHATTERBOX".
I SUPPOSE I'M LIKE HER IN THAT REGARD.
REAL LITTLE CHATTERBOX.
I NEVER NOTICED.
YEAH, WHENEVER ANY- THING WAS HAPPENING IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ENID TO BE RIGHT THERE WITH HER PIE.
[ Chuckle ] SO, UH...
SO, IS ANYTHING HAPPENING?
YEAH, I'M TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE.
I MEAN ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING COURT APPEARANCE.
I PLAN TO PLEAD GUILTY.
PLEASE DON'T.
LOOK, IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
NO, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME, WITH ALL OF US.
BECAUSE I-IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANY OF US.
WELL, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ANY OF YOU. IT HAPPENED TO ME.
BY NOT FIGHTING, YOU'RE LETTING THEM KNOW
THAT THEY CAN KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.
I'M SICK.
YOU'RE ALSO INNOCENT.
WHO GIVES A SHIT?
THE COPS, THE D.A.?
I WAS HOPING YOU.
OR ME.
I JUST WANT IT OVER.
SO I CAN BRING OUT THE TRASH IN PEACE AND QUIET.
AS A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER.
JESUS CHRIST.
DO YOU HAVE TO BROADCAST IT?
EVERYONE'S GOING TO KNOW ANYWAY.
FINE. THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.
THAT'S JUST WHAT, UH, WHAT MR. PETTIGREW SAID.
WHO?
MR. PETTIGREW.
A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER BACK HOME IN HAZELHURST.
HE WAS ACCUSED OF EXPOSING HIMSELF TO ONE OF HIS STUDENTS.
HE SWORE IT WASN'T TRUE, THAT THE KID WAS LYING
'CAUSE HE FLUNKED HIM.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME HE WAS BEATEN TO DEATH,
OR HUNG HIMSELF IN HIS JAIL CELL.
[ Scoffing ] NO, NO.
NO, HE WENT TO LIVE WITH HIS SPINSTER SISTER IN MERIDIAN.
WHEN HE DIED A FEW YEARS LATER,
THEY SAY HE PUT IN HIS WILL
THAT HE DIDN'T WANT HIS NAME ON HIS TOMBSTONE...
BECAUSE IT WAS WORTHLESS.
DON'T GO.
YOU CAN'T GO.
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO WITHOUT ME? [ Chuckle ]
I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS I'LL SURVIVE.
I DOUBT IT.
[ Heavy sigh ] WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M SURE YOU'LL GET ALONG JUST FINE ON YOUR OWN.
NO, I WON'T.
YEAH, YOU WILL.
YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE DONE
A LONG TIME AGO,
YOU'RE GOING TO MEET SOME TWINKIE YOUR OWN AGE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT WITH SOME KID WHO DOESN'T KNOW SHIT?
I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER.
GO.
GO TAKE YOUR SHOWER.
GO TO NEW YORK. GO TO YOUR NEW LIFE.
IN A YEAR, PROBABLY NOT EVEN THAT LONG...
YOU WON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT KID WHO WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHO THOUGHT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME?
IF YOU FUCKING THINK OF ME AT ALL.
I WON'T.
I WON'T THINK OF YOU.
A-HA.
WHEN I WALK OUT THAT DOOR,
I DON'T PLAN ON EVER LOOKING BACK.
AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME.
[ Sniffling ]
IT'S THE PERFECT INTERVIEW SUIT.
YOU SURE?
TRUST YOUR BOYFRIEND. HE'S GOT A GOOD EYE.
THERE, YOU'RE ALL SET. SO I'LL GO RING THIS UP.
[ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
?? THE BIRDS IN EVERY TREE ??
?? ALL SING SO MERRILY ??
?? THEY SING WHEREVER I GO ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasp of surprise ]
[ Chuckling ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD USE A LITTLE...
HAND WITH YOUR PANTS HERE. UH, WELL, HMM.
I'M A... A BIG BOY AND... I'LL HELP YOU OUT...
I CAN DRESS AND... UNDRESS MYSELF.
YEAH, BUT ALL THESE PINS.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT GET PRICKED.
HMM.
OW! SEE?
BE CAREFUL.
CAREFUL. MMM.
LET'S GO FOR IT.
IN HERE? [ Chuckling ]
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
THAT'S THE FUN PART.
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs of passion ]
YOU DOING OKAY IN THERE?
HUH?
FINE. GREAT.
THANKS.
HERE, GIVE HER THESE.
Blake: D-DONE WITH THESE.
UH, TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED, BOYS.
Ted: OH, WE WILL.
[ Rustling of papers ]
Melanie: ...NOT THE REPORT I EXPECTED.
I HAVE TO HAVE MY CLIENT...
TRY AND RELAX.
I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, HERE'S THE POLICE REPORT.
THE COP'S GOT LOUSY HANDWRITING AND HIS SPELLING'S ATROCIOUS.
SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO CRACK OUT YOUR READING GLASSES.
ANOTHER JOY OF MIDDLE AGE.
THIS ISN'T WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
[ Reading ] "THE SUSPECT UN- ZIPPED HIS PANTS
AND EXPOSED HIMSELF."
GOD, I WAS PEEING.
"SUSPECT BEGAN MASTURBATING HIS HALF-ERECT PENIS."
I NEVER DID.
"SUSPECT SAID, WHAT ARE YOU INTO?"
I NEVER SAID THAT, THE COP DID.
OKAY, ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU CAN PLAY AN INCIDENT
OVER IN YOUR MIND SO MANY TIMES,
THAT YOU FORGET WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
I WAS THERE.
I KNOW. [ Banging of gavel ]
Judge: IN THE MATTER OF "THE PEOPLE VERSUS VICTOR GRASSI",
IS COUNSEL READY TO ENTER A PLEA?
YES, YOUR HONOUR.
WE PLEAD...
NOT GUILTY.
[ Murmurs of surprise ]
IT'S OKAY.
THANK YOU, GOD.
Vic: YOU PUT ME ON THAT STAND,
I'LL TELL THAT WHOLE COURTROOM HOW THAT FUCKING COP IS LYING.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU WILL.
ONLY IT'LL JUST BE YOUR WORD AGAINST HIS.
BUT I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DIG UP.
SOUNDS LIKE THIS COULD GET EXPENSIVE.
OH, DON'T... NO, NO, DON'T WORRY.
I'M TAKING THIS CASEPRO BONO.
Debbie: BONO?
LIKE SONNY BONO?
IT MEANS "FOR FREE", MOTHER.
OH, NOFUCKINGWAY.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE INSIST ON PAYING YOU.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN PAY, IN BABYSITTING.
AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING WATCHING HIM SLEEP.
I'M TALKING CHANGING HIS HUGGIES, THE WORKS!
OKAY, WE ACCEPT. [ Chuckle ]
AND... AND... AND JUSTIN CAN HELP.
RIGHT, SUNSHINE?
HMM?
SURE.
I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO FIGHT, VIC.
[ Sighing ]
[ Whispering ] WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
BRIAN'S MOVING TO NEW YORK.
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS HE KNOWS IT.
CAN I COME IN?
IT WAS YOUR ROOM FIRST.
HE'S NOT MOVING TO NEW YORK.
HE'S SURE TALKING LIKE HE IS.
HE FLEW THIS MORNING FOR AN INTERVIEW.
WELL, THERE'S NO HARM IN TAKING A MEETING.
BESIDES, I'VE KNOWN HIM A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.
HE MAY BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT PITTSBURGH BUT...
BUT THERE'S NO WAY HE'D STOP BEING TOP DOG
TO BE ONE OF THE PACK.
THEN WHY'S HE PUTTING HIS PLACE UP FOR SALE?
WHAT?
HE CALLED A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
WE SHOULD STOP HIM.
[ Snorting ] YEAH, STOP BRIAN.
RIGHT. NEXT WE CAN TAKE ON STARBUCKS.
WELL, WE CAN'T JUST LET HIM LEAVE.
WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
BESIDES, EVERY- ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DECIDE
HOW THEY WANT TO LIVE THEIR LIFE.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE HOME, AND...
I BET NOTHING COULD'VE CHANGED YOUR MIND.
IT'S THE SAME WITH BRIAN.
I LOVE HIM, MICHAEL.
I KNOW.
ALL THE MORE REASON WHY YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO.
JUST LIKE THAT?
YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.
YOU MUST NOT CARE VERY MUCH.
[ Chuckle ]
I CARE MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
[ Ringing of phone ]
HELLO?
David: HI. DID I WAKE YOU?
MMM, IT'S OKAY.
[ Yawning ]
WHAT TIME IS IT THERE?
UH, I THINK IT'S AROUND 10:30.
[ Yawning ] IT'S THREE HOURS LATER HERE.
MMM. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
HANK WAS REALLY GLAD TO SEE ME.
Michael: [ On Phone ] I knew it was a good idea you went.
HOW YOU DOING? Mmm.
I'M MISSING YOU.
IT'S LONELY IN THIS BED.
IT'S LONELY HERE TOO.
I was dreaming about you when you called.
MMM, WHAT WAS I DOING?
I'M NOT TELLING.
Let me guess.
I HAD THE SAME DREAM.
I WAS SUCKING YOUR COCK.
OH YEAH?
And it was... really... hard.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
OH... [ Groaning ]
I GUESS I WAS REALLY HARD TOO.
[ Chuckling ]
That's just like my dream.
YOU WERE RUBBING YOUR DICK UP AGAINST ME,
AND I WAS ASKING YOU TO PUT IT INSIDE ME.
[ Moaning ]
YOU WANT ME TO PUT IT INSIDE YOU?
Yeah.
[ Panting ]
HOW MUCH?
A LOT.
GIVE IT TO ME.
[ Exhaling ] NOW?
OKAY.
PLEASE...
I'M PUTTING IT INSIDE YOU.
OH, GOD.
OH, YEAH.
I'M FUCKING YOU.
[ Moaning ]
[ Panting ]
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
SO WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU PLAN ON TELLING ME?
I WOULD SEND YOU A CHANGE OF ADDRESS.
DON'T BE A SMART-ASS.
LOOK, THEY HAVEN'T EVEN OFFERED ME THE JOB YET, OKAY?
YOU SAID THEY WERE KNOCKED OUT BY YOUR RESUME
AND THE INTERVIEW WENT GREAT.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THEIR OFFICES,
RIGHT ON MADISON AVENUE,
WITH THIS KICK-ASS VIEW OF MIDTOWN.
AND THE GUYS AT THIS AGENCY, THEY'RE FUCKING SMART...
AND THEY'RE TOTALLY HOT.
IT'S LIKE AN ENTIRELY DIF- FERENT LEAGUE.
SO YOU'RE JUST ABANDONING YOUR SON.
DON'T START IN WITH THE GUILT SHIT, OKAY?
COME HERE, SONNY BOY.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HANG OUT
WITH YOUR POP IN MANHATTAN, HMM?
GO TO THE GUGGENHEIM
AND THE OPERA.
SEE, YOU'RE GOING TO THANK ME FOR THIS
WHEN HE GROWS UP TO BE SOPHISTICATED.
FUCK YOU, BRIAN.
I KNOW HOW TO TAKE MY KID TO A MUSEUM.
LINDSAY...
IF I STAY HERE... [ Snorting ]
I'M GOING TO GO OUT OF MY MIND.
I MEAN, WHO KNOWS WHAT I'LL BECOME?
PROBABLY WHO YOU ARE NOW, ONLY OLDER.
NO.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?
IT HAPPENS TO ALL OF US.
NOT ME.
I WANT TO BECOME SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
SOMETHING NEW.
YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF YOUR AD CAMPAIGNS.
"NEW! IMPROVED!"
GOING TO NEW YORK WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
SO YOU'LL HAVE A DIFFERENT LOFT,
WORK FOR A DIFFERENT FIRM,
GO TO DIFFERENT BARS AND CLUBS.
BUT DIFFERENT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIGURE OUT THAT JUSTIN REALLY LOVES YOU,
EVEN IF HE IS YOUNG?
AT YOUR AGE, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT SUCH A BAD THING.
AND MICHAEL WOULD GIVE UP HIS LIFE FOR YOU.
AND I LOVE YOU TOO.
YOU THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT ON MADISON AVENUE?
DON'T BE NERVOUS. I'M NOT.
[ Sighing ] I AM.
[ Clearing of throat ]
HEY, RIGHT ON TIME.
IT'S MY GERMANIC PREDISPOSITION TO BE PUNCTUAL.
OOH, NICE SUIT.
TED PICKED IT OUT.
AND THE SHIRT, AND THE TIE.
WELL, IT'S ALSO PART OF MY GERMANIC PREDISPOSITION
TO BE OVERBEARING AND CONTROLLING.
BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION.
I WILL. OH, AND IF THEY ASK YOU
WHY YOU LEFT YOUR LAST JOB,
JUST SAY IT WASN'T CHALLENGING ENOUGH.
I'VE ALREADY GOT AN ANSWER REHEARSED.
OH, A-AND FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DON'T SAY THAT YOU'RE A "PEOPLE PERSON".
I HATE THAT EXPRESSION.
Blake: I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. NOW WOULD YOU GUYS
STOP WORRYING AND JUST LET ME GO IN THERE AND...
IMPRESS THE PANTS OFF THEM.
[ Sighing ]
WELL, IF ANY- BODY CAN DO THAT, YOU CAN.
[ Chuckling ]
MELANIE SAYS IT'LL BE MY WORD AGAINST HIS.
SO WHY SHOULD THE JURY LISTEN TO ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE TELLING THE TRUTH.
CHRIST, VIC, STOP ACTING SO GUILTY.
MAYBE I AM...
A LITTLE.
I WANTED TO GO WITH HIM.
SINCE WHEN IS THAT A CRIME?
WHEN IT'S A COP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH,
AT MY AGE AND WITH WHAT I'VE GOT...
TO THINK SOMEONE COULD FIND ME DESIRABLE?
TALK ABOUT PATHETIC.
YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.
AND I WILL NOT HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WAY.
THEN DON'T LISTEN.
WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR...
I SEE SOMEONE I BARELY RECOGNIZE.
I STILL IMAGINE I'M LIKE BRIAN,
ABLE TO WALK IN ANY BAR
AND HAVE ALMOST ANYBODY THAT I WANT.
AND I HAD PLENTY TOO.
BUT NOW...
INSTEAD I SEE THIS... TIRED,
SOMEWHAT FADED... OLDER MAN...
WHO MEASURES HIS LIFE FROM A PILL BOTTLE...
AND WHO NOBODY WANTS.
DO YOU KNOW, I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
THE LAST TIME SOME- ONE LOOKED AT ME.
OR TOUCHED ME.
IT WAS PROBABLY THAT FILIPINO NURSE
WHO GAVE ME THAT BARIUM ENEMA.
THAT WAS A TREAT.
SO WHEN THIS HAND- SOME YOUNG MAN EXPRESSED INTEREST...
I WANTED TO DROP TO MY KNEES RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE WORST PART.
WORSE THAN BEING ARRESTED...
OR BEING PUT IN JAIL...
OR HAVING TO GO TO COURT.
IT'S THAT...
I BELIEVED HIM.
[ ?????? ]
THE THINGS MY TONGUE COULD DO TO HIS NIPPLES.
THAT IS IF I WAS SINGLE.
[ Chuckling ] RIGHT THERE WITH YOU,
ONLY I'D GO FOR HIS ABS.
Emmett: I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU BOYS FOR LEAVING ME
THE MOST TENDER, DELECTABLE MORSEL.
AND NOW THAT BRIAN'S FINALLY OUT OF THE PICTURE,
I MIGHT ACTUALLY STAND A CHANCE.
YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU'RE GONNA MISS HIM.
MMM.
I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO MISS BEING TOLD, "BE GONE"
EVERY TIME SOME HUNK APPEARS.
AND I WON'T MISS HIS LITTLEBONS MOTS ABOUT MY AGE.
ALTHOUGH I DID THINK HIS RE- FERRING TO YOU
AS "DEAD MAN WALKING" WAS KIND OF AMUSING.
Michael: [ Laughing ] I SAID "KIND OF".
OR KNOWING THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING TO BE HIS PLAN B.
OR SOMETIMES C.
WELL, I WON'T MISS SPENDING 300 BUCKS
ON A SHIRT FROM THE CALVIN KLEIN COLLECTION
ONLY TO HAVE EVERYBODY STARE AT BRIAN'S BARE CHEST.
OR FORCED TO WAIT OUTSIDE A SEX CLUB IN FEBRUARY
'CAUSE HE NEEDS A RIDE HOME.
YEAH, I ALSO WON'T MISS HOW HE NEVER TAKES SHIT...
FROM ANYONE. OR HOW HE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF,
EVEN IF IT IS A TAD HARSH.
BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY HEAR IT ANYWAY.
OR HOW HE REFUSES TO LET YOU COAST THROUGH YOUR LIFE.
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MISS THAT ONE AT ALL.
[ ?????? ]
THIS IS DISGUSTING!
REALLY SICK.
WHAT, ARE YOU LOOKING AT THOSE HETERO PORN SITES AGAIN?
I TOLD YOU, THEY'RE GONNA WARP YOUR YOUNG MIND.
IT'S NOT PORN.
IT'S APARTMENT RENTALS IN NEW YORK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE CHARGING FOR THIS SHIT HOLE.
HUH. YOU KNOW WITH WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO BE PAYING ME,
I CAN AFFORD THREE TIMES THAT?
YOU MEAN THIS IS CHEAP?
YUP. [ Ringing of cell phone ]
NEW YORK'S UNREAL.
[ Beep of connection ] YEAH?
UH, BRIAN, IT'S, UH, ADAM LYONS CALLING FROM, UH, KENNEDY AND COLLINS
in New York. OH, HEY.
SO I'VE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU. WHAT'S THE DEAL?
Uh, the deal is...
THERE IS NO DEAL.
THEY DECIDED TO PROMOTE FROM WITHIN.
Some 25-year- old hotshot.
LOOK... I'M REALLY SORRY.
UH...
DON'T WORRY, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, AFTER WEIGHING MY OPTIONS...
I'VE DECIDED TO GO WITH... SOMEONE ELSE.
WELL THEN I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.
SO, HEY, GIVE ME A CALL THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN THE CITY.
I'D LOVE TO HOOK UP AGAIN.
YEAH... SURE.
[ Whistling ]
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE COMING HOME TONIGHT.
LAST-MINUTE THING.
[ Chuckling ]
MMM, YOUR FACE IS COLD.
SO, HOW'D IT GO?
WELL, I CON- VINCED HANK
NOT TO QUIT THE HOCKEY TEAM.
THAT'S A START.
AND HE'S AGREED TO TALK TO A THERAPIST.
WELL, SEE? I KNEW YOU COULD HELP HIM.
BUT MOSTLY WE JUST SAT AROUND,
ATE PIZZA AND WATCHED ESPN.
SEE, THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING, YOU KNOW.
NOT WHAT YOU SAY OR DO, BUT JUST BEING THERE.
THAT'S WHY I GOTTA GO BACK.
WELL, YOU SHOULD. WE...
MAYBE THIS SUMMER WE COULD TAKE A TRIP...
NO, I WAS THINKING SOONER.
HOW MUCH SOONER?
RIGHT AWAY.
WELL, FOR HOW LONG?
WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE NEEDS ME
AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT I'M THERE.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRACTICE, AND YOUR FRIENDS,
AND THE HOUSE AND...?
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT ON THE FLIGHT HOME.
I COULD LEASE THE HOUSE FOR A YEAR.
ONE OF MY COLLEAGUES COULD TAKE OVER MY PRACTICE
LORI'S GOT SOME FRIENDS WHO ARE DOCTORS
THEY COULD PROVIDE ME WITH REFERRALS.
SO YOU'VE PRACTI- CALLY GOT THIS ALL FIGURED OUT.
WELL, THERE IS ONE THING THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
OH, UM, WELL DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I-I UNDERSTAND.
HANK COMES FIRST.
OH, IT'S NOT A RACE, MICHAEL.
THERE'S NO "FIRST".
Y-YOU'RE AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS HE IS.
WHAT I WAS HOPING...
IS THAT YOU WOULD COME WITH ME.
Melanie: THIS COP HAS LIED BEFORE
IN AT LEAST FOUR SEPARATE CASES.
YOU HAVE PROOF OF THIS?
I LOOKED UP HIS RECORDS
WHEN HE WAS WITH THE PHILADELPHIA P.D.
IN EACH INSTANCE HE EXAGGERATED, MISCONSTRUED
OR COMPLETELY LIED IN HIS ARREST REPORTS
RESULTING IN THE JUDGE DECLARING A MISTRIAL.
SHE'S GOOD. SHE'S GREAT.
COMPARED TO HER I FEEL SO IGNORANT, SO USELESS.
YOU ARE.
ON THE OTHER HAND, UH, SHE DOESN'T HAVE YOUR HEIGHT
OR YOUR ABILITY TO WEAR CHARTREUSE IN THE DAYTIME.
SO IT ALL EVENS OUT.
SHH!
Lawyer: THIS IS VERY COMPELLING,
BUT WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?
SEEMS HE HAS A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH GAY PEOPLE.
LOOK, WE CAN SAVE THE COURT A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY.
MY CLIENT'S INNOCENT.
HE WAS ENTRAPPED BY THIS OFFICER,
JUST LIKE THESE OTHER MEN.
IS THIS TRUE?
I MAY HAVE DONE A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE, SIR...
BUT I NEVER EXPOSED MYSELF OR ENTICED THAT OFFICER.
AND EVEN THOUGH I MAY NOT HAVE MUCH LEFT,
MY HEALTH, MY YOUTH, MY FRIENDS,
I STILL HAVE MY NAME.
AND I WILL FIGHT...
TO DEFEND IT.
Film actor: YOU'RE A VERY SPECIAL LADY, YOU KNOW THAT?
Actress: I MISS YOU ALREADY.
Actor: YOU JUST LISTEN TO THE DRUM.
THE SOUND OF MY HEART...
YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED?
A SUPER HUMONGOUS, WOOLLY-MAMMOTH SIZE
VAT OF BUTTERED POPCORN.
[ Giggling ]
ONE HIT AND YOU'RE HIGH.
[ Suppressed giggling ]
THAT'S PITIFUL.
I AM NOT HIGH.
[ Snorting ]
OKAY, MAYBE I AM.
THAT, UM, MEAN OLD USHER,
WHO USED TO TELL US TO GET OUR FEET OFF THE SEATS,
STILL WORKING HERE?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
PROBABLY A FUCKING MAGGOT FEAST BY NOW.
MAN, WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE SATURDAY AFTERNOONS WE SPENT HERE...
YEAH, I USED TO BUY A TICKET
AND LET YOU IN THAT FIRE EXIT.
NEVER GOT CAUGHT.
THIS IS WHERE WE SAW "INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM".
AND, UH, AND "GHOSTBUSTERS".
AND, UH...
"THE FLY". "THE FLY".
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE GONNA TEAR IT DOWN.
ALL THOSE CHEESY CINEPLEXES.
YEAH, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BALCONIES TO GET STONED IN.
[ Sniffling ]
WHEN THIS PLACE IS GONE,
A PART OF US'LL BE GONE TOO.
YOU GET EXTREMELY MAUDLIN WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.
WELL, THIS'LL PROBABLY BE...
THE LAST TIME YOU AND I ARE EVER HERE TOGETHER.
I MEAN, Y-YOU'LL BE IN NEW YORK.
AND YOU'LL BE IN PORTLAND.
OPPOSITE FUCKING ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE.
I DIDN'T SAY I'D GO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD.
I'M NOT LIKE YOU. I CAN'T JUST WAKE UP ONE MORNING
AND DECIDE, BOOM, YOU KNOW, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
NO LOOKING BACK, NO REGRETS.
THERE'S NOTHING FOR YOU HERE.
IT'S MY HOME.
AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT PARIS OR NEW YORK...
NO SHIT.
I'VE LIVED HERE MY ENTIRE LIFE AND...
IT'S ALL I KNOW.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S TIME TO KNOW SOME- THING ELSE, MICHAEL.
YOU'RE NOT 15 ANY MORE.
I KNOW.
GO WITH DAVID.
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
[ Opening of door ]
HEY.
TELL ME EVERYTHING.
IT WAS GREAT.
THEY'RE REALLY NICE. AW-W.
AND MELANIE TOOK ME OUT FOR LUNCH.
[ Groaning ]
SO, WHAT ABOUT, UH, THE GUYS? ANY CUTE ONES?
ONE.
BUT DON'T WORRY, HE WAS MARRIED.
OKAY, I'M... I'M NOT JEALOUS. I'M JUST... NO.
YOU KNOW, I'M REQUIRED TO ASK THAT QUESTION MM-HMM.
BY THE "BOYFRIENDS IN THE WORKPLACE ACT" OF, UH, 1991.
AND... THEY'VE ALREADY PUT ME TO WORK
ON THIS REALLY INTERESTING CASE.
[ Deep sigh ]
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
[ Chuckling ]
I'M KIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF.
SO...
WE WILL STAY ONLY A FEW MINUTES
AT THE DINNER, HMM?
AND THEN WE SHALL COME BACK...
AND CONSUMMATE YOUR RETURN
TO WHITE-COLLAR RESPECTABILITY.
WHO SAYS WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL LATER?
WHY DON'T WE TAKE A SHOWER?
[ Gasping ] TOGETHER?
I HAVE NEVER... [ Chuckling ]
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Growling ]
YOU KNOW, YOU OUGHT TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE RESPECT
FOR YOUR CLOTHES, YOUNG MAN.
YOU NEED TO HANG THESE THINGS UP BEFORE THEY WRINKLE ALL OVER THE PLACE
AND I'VE GOT TO SEND THEM OUT TO CLEANING...
Blake: ARE YOU COMING?
I SAID ARE YOU COMING?
YEAH.
[ Cheering/Clapping ]
UNCLE VIC. UNCLE VIC.
LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!
MELANIE'S THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE CONGRATULATING.
OH, STOP.
SHE GOT MY CASE THROWN OUT. BUT YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO WAS SO BRAVE.
Emmett: YOU WERE AN INSPIRATION,
THE WAY YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF.
WELL, AFTER THAT TERRIBLE STORY YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT POOR MAN,
WHO WAS BURIED IN AN UNMARKED GRAVE.
Debbie: WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
ONE OF YOUR SOUTHERN GOTHIC HORROR STORIES?
MMM.
YOU MEAN IT WASN'T TRUE?
ALL OF MY STORIES ARE TRUE.
OH, JESUS.
AND IF THEY'RE NOT, THEY... SHOULD BE.
All: [ Laughing ]
Melanie: HE IS SO FUNNY.
Lindsay: I LOVE HIM.
NOW REMEMBER WHAT WE SAID.
WE'LL JUST STAY HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES,
THEN WE'LL GO HOME.
OKAY.
GOTTA GO.
CIAO. BYE, GUYS, TAKE CARE.
BYE. SEE YOU GUYS.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Ted: NIGHT, EM, I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW. DEB, THANKS.
[ ?????? ]
BYE. CONGRATS.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Ted: MEL, I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW ABOUT THAT THING?
[ Mixed chatter ]
[ ?????? ]
NIGHT, MIKEY.
[ ?????? ]
WILL THEY WANT YOU TO START RIGHT AWAY?
THOSE GUYS ON MADISON AVENUE MOVE FAST.
Justin: SO DO THE ONES IN CHELSEA.
Melanie: THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF HEARTS TO BREAK IN THE BIG CITY.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BREAK THEM ALL AT ONCE.
AND CALL EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
LIKE THAT'LL HAPPEN.
DON'T MAKE US ALWAYS HAVE TO CALL YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?
I NEED A CIGARETTE.
THANKS.
YOU'RE A LUCKY GUY.
I AM?
EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT.
ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IF YOU DECIDE TO GO WITH ME,
YOU KNOW YOU'D BE LEAVING A LOT BEHIND.
IT'S A... IT'S A HUGE DECISION.
David: WELL, TAKE YOUR TIME,
THINK ABOUT IT.
BUT IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO GO...
I'LL BE VERY UPSET.
BUT I'LL UNDERSTAND.
I'VE DECIDED.
I WANT TO GO.
YOU'RE SURE?
[ Quavering ] NO.
[ ?????? ]
?? SO MANY CHANCES TO SEE ??
?? WHAT YOU HAVE AND WHAT YOU ARE NOT ??
?? YOU GO TO THE WATER ??
CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
?? SEE WHAT IT GIVES YOU ??
?? WELL ARE YOU SO HARD TO PLEASE? ??
[ ?????? ]
MOO!